in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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