I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
