I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
