Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
ttyl tear gas
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
