THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize