There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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