can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
