Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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