just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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