Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
