PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
