She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
