i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
