i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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