last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
