i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
