HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I think scott just propositioned me for sex
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I use my feet as sexual weapons
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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