I think im going to throw up on grandma
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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