I think my fart just growled at me.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
