you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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