I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
