I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Randomize
