i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
