I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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