I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
