guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
