he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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