I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
