I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize