there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
