I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
