I can feel you judging me through the phone.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
