You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
