my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
