I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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