I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
