Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize