your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
