I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
