Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
