i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
i think we sleep fucked last night...
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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