i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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