The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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