I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
