peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
