i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
