Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
