I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
