I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
