Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
