nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
