Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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