Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
