Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize