nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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